People ask me what my book is about. I tell them it’s about how to change from the inside out so you can talk with people who drive you nuts.
They say, “Boy, do I know someone who could use your book.â€
That response always makes me laugh. So I’m reluctant to admit there’s a problem with it.
I’ve seen the problem repeatedly over the past two years—ever since the 2016 presidential election changed so much about the way we talk (or rather, don’t talk) and live with one another in the U.S.
Over and over again, on social media and at family gatherings and after church and who knows where else, I hear people bemoan the state of America’s public square. We are so polarized, they say. No one talks anymore. Everyone shouts at each other. The world is filled with outrage. If only we’d listen.
This recognition of our parlous state is, I think, the first wobbly step toward dialogue. You have to know there’s a problem before you can start to resolve it, right?
The dead end comes in the (usual) second step.
Right after no one talks anymore etc., many people follow up with some version of it’s the other side’s fault.
I heard it again at a gathering of relatives recently. One person, a brilliant and ardent conservative, noted the lack of dialogue and proceeded to lay the blame on the political left. At my (liberal) church, the talk shifts from “how bad it is†to bemoaning the right’s contribution.
By the way, these folks have a point. People at the ends of the political spectrum especially, left and right, are contributing to this climate. But while the faultfinding is correct, it’s not useful. It’s a second step that takes us nowhere.
These days I’m pondering a different second step—a step my book alludes to. It asks, how am I contributing to the problem? Or, even better: how can I change so that my contribution inspires harmony rather than hostility?
Let’s be honest. This second step is a doozy. It asks people to look inside themselves, and that’s not always a pleasant view. I know because I’ve done it.
I think a framework of faith and spirit can help here. At their best and fullest, many of our faith traditions encourage us to “examine ourselves†in an effort to become better versions of ourselves. Ideally the process is gentle—not about guilt and judgment, but rather about self-discovery, a flowering of one’s deepest self in a way that makes a difference in the world.
That can be a magnificent adventure. I know because I’ve done it.
If people could take this useful second step, it might change things. But how do you take it? And how can those of us who’ve gone down that road support others as they take that step?
Those are the questions that challenge me right now. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
It helps to have a teacher or mentor who is accepting and nonjudgmental who can model that approach that creates the space for you to do that self exploration. The ability to stand back and examine yourself is not easy. Feelings of guilt and shame don’t help people to make changes. Unconditional love does.
That’s a great point, Ingrid. You’re right: we don’t have to do the hard work by ourselves. I don’t know what I’d do without my wise elders around me, like my spiritual director and the people I consider my mentors. And yes, guilt and shame are generally lousy motivators. Thank you for giving voice to this.